Phil Kay – I Can’t Recommend It

The Transcript:

Stuart H: Welcome to Get Shirty, the podcast where we ask our guests about the things in life that just never fail to irritate and get them all shirty. The chat focuses on home, work and going out, but could go anywhere. And it’s not all doom and gloom as each guest gets a made to measure shirt, which they design. So we talk about that. Too. Funny that. Us being tailors. Today’s guest is stand up comedian and writer Phil Kay. After a meteoric rise in the late nineties, which we talk about, Phil was a regular on tv stand up shows before landing his own Channel four comedy series called Phil K feels. Since then, Phil has performed across the UK, as well as at over 30 Edinburgh fringe festivals and at, Glastonbury as well. Phil has also written five books, with another in the works. And on a recent podcast, the comedian Russell Howard stated that seeing Phil had been one of his favourite ever stand up gigs. That’s, high praise indeed. This one is adult in theme at times, so maybe watch out for little ears. Let’s get into it.

Three tailors, two mics, one guest and a host of irritations

Three tailors, two mics, one guest and a host of irritations. Let’s get shirted.

>> Phil Kay: You just let me know when we’re on. That’s something that really hurts me, is when you’re talking and being very funny, and then they go, oh, no, we’re not ready yet.

>> Stuart H: Means you’re ready to go.

>> Phil Kay: The one clap. There’s nothing worse than getting one clap. But they’ve just had enough. They love you. I’m a comedian. They love you enough. But as the hands are coming together, they realise she’s not that good and it’s just a single clap. Either that or it’s a Dalai Lama up the back. Did you get that? Okay, that’s another thing. Christ, don’t get jokes. And then you’re. Where are you then? No, you know the famous buddhist thing is the sound of one hand. Oh.

>> Stuart H: Laughing.

>> Phil Kay: Yes.

>> Stuart H: Yeah, yeah.

>> Phil Kay: So, Dalai Lama, the back. Doing a high five. Ah. of course, Stuart. Thanks for having me in your tailor shop.

>> Stuart H: That’s all right.

>> Phil Kay: Is that the only word for this tailor shop?

>> Stuart H: Taylor shop. Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: Europe. Bespoke. Outfitters.

>> Stuart H: Outfitters, yeah, but an outfitters, you tend to do everything.

>> Phil Kay: I suggest jodpers and fucking hunting gear.

>> Stuart H: Yeah, we don’t do that.

>> Phil Kay: An Alton Martin shooting brick. Have you ever seen one of them?

>> Stuart H: No.

>> Phil Kay: Shooting breaks.

>> Stuart H: I hate that.

>> Phil Kay: It really teases me.

>> Stuart H: well, do you know we make all of that? The beauty of what we do is that we only make what we’re asked to make so we don’t, you know, we don’t have to make stuff that.

>> Phil Kay: I can come in and say, I want some snuggle shoes for in front of the telly.

>> Stuart H: We could do snuggle shoes.

>> Phil Kay: Then you say, I refuse to make out of Harris Tweed. You kind of. That’s, In sanctimonious. In sanctity. No.

>> Stuart H: Insanity.

>> Phil Kay: Insanity. But the best feeling insanity ever had. Because I’m going to Harris to make a documentary with my number because you can track through the Harris Tweed company where it came from. And I’m going to see if I can get any more for an elbow patch type thing. And then Jim Moyer, who’s victories agree to the voiceover. So if I turn up and go, here’s some video, he’ll do the voiceover because he loves the tweed and he’s into it. We met once when I was wearing something that this lovely wife had undone the cuffs, right? So this tweed, this Harris was a real, real old rusty red one with yellow and bits and it really amazing. And so this. And so there’s a hole in it. So I had my thumb through and he was obsessed. But how’d you get, how do you get that tailored? How much did that cost us in?

>> Stuart H: It cost me a pair of scissors.

>> Phil Kay: The budget. Budgets are all up in the mind.

Sir Rodney: Welcome to the Get Shirty Podcast

Stuart Hardman, your hard man. You couldn’t have named this shop better if it was Hardman and stitch or Hardman and seams. Mister seams. Hemming is so clever. Does everyone get that joke or am I?

>> Stuart H: Yeah, no, no, that’s good. it used to be. Well, I thought about it being just Hardman, but the Hardman and Heming, it just seemed to, Yeah, seemed to work. But the chap who had the shot before was Mister death. D E f. He was a deeth.

>> Phil Kay: Oh, deas.

>> Stuart H: Yeah. So he. But he put that in himself, the apostrophe. So he was a deeth or a death. And he put an apostrophe in Boomer hole.

>> Phil Kay: It’s a classic, isn’t it, Sir Rodney? Boomer hole. Yeah, because we had.

>> Stuart H: Yeah, it slowly.

>> Phil Kay: Hang on, m. No, you’re on a delay. What’s that? Zoom. Delay. Every joke you do. Ah, like a jet engine.

>> Stuart H: That’s not funny.

>> Phil Kay: I went to a public school in Scotland very much exactly like Harry Potter’s dining room. So massive, big gothic paintings of ex prime ministers who wrote my school.

>> Stuart H: Floating candles.

>> Phil Kay: Floating candles. Kitchen staff who were ugly as orcs. And then the names of. And there was a smelly who was pronounced Smiley. That was the whole thing. No, it’s not. You get punished. I’m not head boy. Smelly. S m ell I e. Yeah.

>> Stuart H: smelly.

>> Phil Kay: So smiley, as I say, it was opposite of smiley. Yeah, that’s something that really annoys me. Really gets my shirt out nice. That’s where it comes from.

>> Stuart H: Yes.

>> Phil Kay: Shirty.

>> Stuart H: Shirty means dishevelled.

>> Phil Kay: Because you’ve been in a bit of a right fight. Your shirts are. You’re long. All shirts in the old days would have a long.

>> Stuart H: I knew I would learn something from you being into that. I haven’t even introduced you yet. Do you know that? Before you start talking, I’m going to quickly say, welcome to the Get Shirty.

>> Phil Kay: Podcast, Phil K. Take your time. Let’s do a really best intro ever. I first saw you when I was a single man, something like that.

>> Stuart H: I already had a wife, actually. When I first saw you, Phil, I.

>> Phil Kay: Actually forced you off one wedding into another.

>> Stuart H: You did? That’s a power of comedy. yeah. So it was 90. When was your tv show?

>> Phil Kay: 96.

>> Stuart H: 96, was it? And the first. So, Phil. Phil K. Feels.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah.

>> Stuart H: Was the first one. So I couldn’t. You said you were gonna. Before we started recording, we talked about you sort of drawing out of me. Me remembering the first time I saw you.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah. I’ll take you back with what’s called comedy mesmerisms.

>> Stuart H: I like it.

>> Phil Kay: Comerism, comedy. Comedy. Can’t fuse them together. But comedician, come meditation, they fuse together. Masturbation and mastication. And meditation. So you’re eating, meditating, and wanking on the same time. Anyway, so you remember the first image of me. Let’s not.

>> Stuart H: Saturday afternoon.

>> Phil Kay: Mastication. Latitude.

Grey: To stand up and improvise is the hardest job in the world

Mastication. That’s what you need if you want to digest your food. Remember? Do you remember Roy Castle?

>> Stuart H: I do remember Roy Castle. Yeah, I do.

>> Phil Kay: The comedy was off the cuff, fold up cuff, single button. let’s take you back to the feeling you had when you first saw the movement, the energy. Describe your feeling of it.

>> Stuart H: was joy.

>> Phil Kay: Joy is what it was. That’s what I’m known for. Bringer of joy. When it goes well, I’m unusual. My unique selling point is comedy of a positive nature. And if you’re rambling, improvising, and making up as making up the form as much as the detail, that’s something I like to go on about, because no one ever really does. They think you’re just coming on and going, Grey. What’s great? Grey’s anatomy. Grey, where is. You know, you don’t just go dib, dib, dib that way.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: You can improvise the form of what’s needed.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: As you’re doing the show. Because if folks laugh at that, you go that way with that. and if they want a song, because they’re just looking at you going, where’s the jokes? Then you just do a song or something and change it. And so you improvise every aspect, not just the words you’re saying, because sometimes you’re repeating yourself or telling a story you’ve told before.

>> Stuart H: But that’s brave, isn’t it? That’s a brave thing to do.

>> Phil Kay: Brave a man.

>> Stuart H: Write that down.

>> Phil Kay: It is very brave.

>> Stuart H: Well, it is, though, isn’t it? To go and stand up in front of people, not knowing what you’re gonna say or how long are you gonna talk for or how it’s gonna go down.

>> Phil Kay: That would be the apparent, definite thing. An apparent wind is the wind that a ship passing you will give off its sales, you know, apparently is. So it looks like that. I must have just taken the easiest option, because learning a very commonly good script is a fuck of a lot of writing for an a four side for two minutes.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: Then you talk about, how do you do an hour and a half? So you have to access the genius zone of being just doing it, which is talking.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: So,

>> Stuart H: But you’ve got.

>> Phil Kay: So it’s braver. But that’s the best thing. It looks like you’re just. You’re unhinged and have no safety net and everybody loves that. Is when it goes well, that seven goes.

>> Stuart H: Brilliant.

>> Phil Kay: I’m full of joy. I’ve seen a guy treating us like he. My vibe is, you’re already my friends, you know, and we’re all, I love you. We’re already on this. And other than mockery and distance and.

>> Stuart H: Yeah, yeah. But it’s that bravery of, you know, that sometimes it’s not going to go how you want it to or it’s going to be difficult or hard or.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it’s so that you don’t feel breaking on. You often feel the effects of its failure. And it’s exactly what people talk about. It’s the hardest job in the world, mate. And you go, I think what they mean is they imagine themselves up there going, another thing. And people can boo. And it’s like, it does get to that. So that’s what they mean. But the hardest job is different because you still prepare and even if it’s not going well, you can go back to a, thing that’s worked before. That’s what I’m saying. I don’t improvise everything. You got chunks of different presentations. So you can say, okay, do you want to hear about a story where I. Because one thing that does really make me lift my shirt out is one thing I ask.

One of the things that really bugs me is getting run over by horses

>> Stuart H: Why should we rename the podcast that welcome to lift your shirt?

>> Phil Kay: Certainly. I can’t remember. I was gonna say that.

>> Stuart H: You were saying, oh, no, don’t be annoyed by something you said. One of the things that really annoys me. And it was off the back of set, routines, having a theme.

>> Phil Kay: Oh, I know. It’s getting run over by horses. That is, that bugs me.

>> Stuart H: Huh?

>> Phil Kay: Do you know what I mean? Especially if you’re going out. Is that one of your categories? You go have a big night out. Yeah, of course, I was nearly one of our horses, so. And I found. And, yeah, what I noticed in the eye of the storm is they went past me on a very thin cycle track. Yeah, I mean, it was serious. Late at night, cycling down this cycle path back to my home at night. And I hear this noise and I’m trying to work out what it is and I realise it’s horses hooves and there’s brambles. I have nowhere to go and I’m on the dark. In a bike or on a bike in the dark. I’m in the train, I suppose. I’m on the train. Or I’m on the train, mama in a cowboy film. Anyway, so. And then I heard them and then they came past, you know, one at a time. And the last one winked. Maybe, I don’t know. In my doubt it was a moonlight.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: But I got hit by a tail. You know, I just stood still. And, in that moment of clarity, you can’t truly, abhor your enemy. You have to kind of basically know where they are. And so I let out this noise like I’m hearing horses. And I just went right by. And it was like, rather than going, oh, no. Because this is my thing in life. I don’t get too irked or appalled or annoyed or gruesomely upset or even I don’t Get Shirty. and the only time I got shirty recently was I threw some polar mints. The first thing I’ve done in my life ever, somebody gave me some polar mints and I was really annoyed, so I threw them over my head, over my shoulder, which is a bit like going up yours and slamming your car door. Or given. I’ve never given a finger. I’ve never been, but I have. I noticed in relationships you can get sort of with your feelings. and yet, generally speaking, it’s really hard for me to get cheesed off or annoyed because I deal with it some other way. And then, right, okay, that moment, as the horses come by, there’s no point going, I hate this moment. You’ve got to, it’s like the opposition, your football team. You don’t really hate them. You need them for the game. You know, we hate you. But with that, don’t go. You know? So, you know, you’ve got three categories.

>> Stuart H: Well, yeah, but I think this is one of those ones where I don’t think we need to worry too much about it.

>> Phil Kay: We don’t. I don’t love it. No.

>> Stuart H: Because, in the spirit of your improv comedy, yeah. Let’s just take it wherever it goes.

Another thing I hate really gets my goat is choking

>> Phil Kay: Another thing I hate really gets my goat, really gets me brassed off, is choking. Don’t you hate choking? Cause the other day. Cause I take. I do a lot of swallowing, biscuits, crumbs, talking. When I meet your mother was always, Phil. I couldn’t wait till she died. I was able to talk with my mouth full. And then I could say butter if I felt like it. She’s always with butter. I’d hear her from the grave shouting, it’s butter. I said, actually, it’s Olivia. Somewhere between. Because there’s nothing worse than stork, unless you go, you know, that’s lard lube. Yeah. Stork is basically lard, which is lard on, which is from the port. No one ever knows that lard is a pig fat. Yeah. Ah, you just might think it’s any animal.

>> Stuart H: All right.

>> Phil Kay: And it’s not dripping.

>> Stuart H: That’s usually beef dripping, though, isn’t it?

>> Phil Kay: I had some fried egg, fried bread in a Torquay, talking of Torquay. and I was there. That’s what I choked. And I was with my kids and I was in a hotel, and I was like, I had to, really, because choking, as soon as you inhale some crumbs of a fried bread into your windpipe, you know, that’s it for about two and a half minutes, and you’re crying. And I really had to underplay it and remain calm. Calm and not because I knew, I noticed that the extra angle would be to go, fucking hell. Let them really know that I’m suffering. And I’ve tried. There’s lots of things you can do with kids that you do not pass on to them if you can avoid it, like. Like spiders or not to immediately scream if they fall over, you know.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: And once I was having a shite in a disabled toilet, or child’s toilet too, with my boy. He was about nine, no less, five. So we got in. He’d use the Lou baby changing at a service centre in Sheffield on the motorway. And then, then I sit down and M. I’ll be a minute and he just unlocks the door and walks out and this huge door is open and I’m just out there. But it’s my first instinct to go, what the hell? and then I thought, no, just let it be.

>> Stuart H: Just finished.

>> Phil Kay: So just sat on the loo, shoppers, milled around in the shadow Meadowlands. What’s it called? Sheffield’s got famous.

>> Stuart H: I don’t know it.

>> Phil Kay: Sheffield’s favourite shopping centre. Yeah. I’ve never been.

>> Stuart H: I’ve never been to Sheffield.

>> Phil Kay: Well, I can’t recommend it enough. You see where I was heading with that. Although I’m really into writing letters that no chance. I once got caught and breathalysed by the police in Glasgow. Yeah, I just came out of a chip shop and I walked out of the chip shop and I had a few drinks because I was driving around Glasgow in my car. Someone had nicked my bike. So I thought. And Sundays I drive around immediately and you might see it again.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah. So I drove around and I had a bottle of whisky with me, a couple of sips. And I had it strapped in a child’s safety seat in the front seat.

>> Stuart H: Safety first, of course.

>> Phil Kay: And then. So I came up to get chips, but there wasn’t enough money. On the weekends they put the chips up to 180. This is a long time ago or two.

>> Stuart H: Quite.

>> Phil Kay: But they’re only 150 during the week. So I had to go back to the car, open it from the passenger side, get money out the middle, then go back in, buy the chips. I came out and there was two police guys just walking on the road. So I just sort of walked with them and, alright, guys, John, some chips. And they went, yes and no. We’re not allowed to. They’re not allowed to accept, no chips. So then I went to the car to get in the driver’s door and they’re like, what’s this pissed up guy doing getting his car? And then I couldn’t find the keys because they were still in the passenger’s door, dangling. So as I was looking, you know, when you’re looking for keys, you look like you’re doing strange squirming. And then there’s the key dangling like the, you know, like the duchess’s earring while she’s getting it in the. You know, it was like the guilty. And the guy came running. We have reason to believe, to call. We have justified reason to call the breathalyser. And I was like, why? And he goes, your keys hanging. And I was like, what? You’ve never left your key or whatever.

>> Stuart H: Anyway, yeah, they didn’t have any chips either. Did you get to at least eat the chips?

>> Phil Kay: We had eight minutes. We had to sit together. I sucked a two pea coin because I’d heard somebody said, if you suck a two pea coin, it’ll defy the breathalyser.

>> Stuart H: And did it.

>> Phil Kay: Yes. I was. I was under the limit. Yeah.

So I wrote a letter complaining it didn’t find you drunk

So I wrote a letter, a really nice long letter saying, I think you need to cheque your. I said, I’ve been drinking, but I have no proof. Now is he. Which. I love that thing. I’m sorry. I have no proof. you know, because they. Police sometimes accept your word when it says what they want. If you say another thing, they might not believe it, like a denial, but they also might not be allowed to believe or confess. There’s all these different angles, which is what philosophy is about arranging your angles, on interpretations of.

>> Stuart H: So you wrote a letter complaining it didn’t find you drunk.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah. I think you need to cheque your equipment. It smells very drunk. you know, I assure you I’ve been drinking, but, So I would cheque the manufacturers or take it out with the manufacturers or something, just so I could write about it. Because, you know, I write.

>> Stuart H: I know.

>> Phil Kay: These are this kind of thing.

>> Stuart H: Five books.

>> Phil Kay: Four or five. Yeah. Pick a page. it’s all funny. I’m leaving that copy here. If you want, you can put it on a desk.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: Or if you have room, you might not. You don’t have to.

>> Stuart H: Hey, we will. Because, I did a bit of research, actually.

>> Phil Kay: Brilliant.

>> Stuart H: I know. I do every time. Although sometimes it doesn’t seem like I do. But your first book was holy, advisable. No, I’ve got. That’s good.

>> Phil Kay: That’s even better.

>> Stuart H: What was it?

>> Phil Kay: the holy. Viable.

>> Stuart H: Wholly viable.

>> Phil Kay: That which is entirely.

>> Stuart H: Do you know?

>> Phil Kay: Possible viable.

>> Stuart H: Yeah. What.

>> Phil Kay: What? It.

>> Stuart H: I should have printed out my nights. See?

>> Phil Kay: It’s nice. You’re working. You’re working. That wasn’t just the bravest man in Taylor Slash podcast.

>> Stuart H: Exactly. Improv if I’d have got that right, would have been.

>> Phil Kay: Would have been wholly avoidable. Is even better. A woman, once we looked at it and she went, how dare you call it the Holy Bible? I was like, because that’s what it’s meant to sound like. It’s a oral. It’s not a pun, is it? It’s something in the region of oral and synesthesia and the subliminal, the holy, viable. And plus, that is my.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: My religion or whatever, trying to find that which is most viably, possibly goodly, whatever. Anyway. Yeah, yeah, that’s a bit long winded.

I think you’ve covered off going out a git shirty on a going out

>> Stuart H: I think you’ve maybe covered off going out a git shirty on a going out there. I’m gonna mentally try and tick off as we go along.

>> Phil Kay: Okay. Because.

>> Stuart H: So you did a bit of work. Work, travel.

>> Phil Kay: Because most going out, most of my life is good. I never have to go out because although I’ve actually taken about a year off gigs, I hardly do any. Just do a few festivals. They’re easy to cluster together. So I now go out with my girlfriend to, like, a folk night or a nineties, you know, I go dancing and stuff. I’m into that, music and dancing gigs. I never felt I need a night out or ever. It’s amazing. and, But I could summon up some story.

>> Stuart H: So a recap is you going out. You don’t like getting run over by horses. Choking and breathalysers don’t work properly.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah. If I’m going to add, like, good equipment, if the police say shoddy equipment. Ship, ships.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Stuart H: And I, will. I’m looking forward to listening back to this because I quite enjoyed your horse noise as well, which would mean.

>> Phil Kay: Oh, the noise.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: Because that was a noise I’d never made before. It was like a boom, a sonic boom. I sort of went, honest, I can do it now, probably because I’m not terrified. But I went like that. I sort of went, but it was all as one sound. And the horses, I’m sure they went, right, this one’s okay. He’s not going to freak out like humans freak out.

>> Stuart H: It’s like an old 1930s car horn.

>> Phil Kay: Exactly. There we are. God, I haven’t done that for years.

>> Stuart H: That was good.

>> Phil Kay: But. Sorry, I interrupted you.

>> Stuart H: No, I don’t. I don’t think. I don’t think you did particularly.

>> Phil Kay: You’re about to praise me, I think, in another form.

>> Stuart H: Yeah, probably. Well, of course, you’re utterly brilliant. You know, that’s, How was that? Was that pretty good?

>> Phil Kay: But we don’t know what you mean. But that’s great. That’s great.

>> Stuart H: I don’t know what.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah, early on I did. I’ve done lots of gigs that have got better and better. And the good thing is that your better gets better.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: So, that’s what’s lovely.

Larry says he’s committed himself to being a total wordsmith

>> Stuart H: Yeah, we’re all looking. That’s all right.

>> Phil Kay: I sat on my phone,

>> Stuart H: Oh, you got those new foldy ones.

>> Phil Kay: It’s so brilliant, I tell you, because you just never lose it. I’m trying to turn off the sound because it might go again if someone’s trying to reach me like that. That madly. Oh, that’s the calendar. Sorry. There’s settings down the bottom. What it is, is, I need to be able to put it where you’ll never lose it. So I have a button there, or in denim. Usually I’m wearing a denim. Just goes right in the denim jacket. And it’s small because I used to be sitting in my phone. That’s another bug bear of mine. I’m very hacked off by, It gets me, you know, those huge will make the thinnest thing of the slideiest meteor. And every time I cross my knees ever, I heard this sort of lozenger tongue coming out of my. And I would be falling on the floor the whole time.

>> Stuart H: Do you get through a lot of fangs?

>> Phil Kay: I did before, and now I’ve had the same one for two years. So I’m, happy as Larry. I keep going on about it, over the moon. Who knows?

>> Stuart H: This is happy Larry. Yeah. I don’t know.

>> Phil Kay: He is Larry. Do you know David, the millennium earthman is one?

>> Stuart H: Is that. Do you know where you seem like you know where a lot of things come from? Words.

>> Phil Kay: No, that’s, I made that up. That’s Larry.

>> Stuart H: I gather that.

>> Phil Kay: But sometimes I’ve gone into words a lot in books, and then you’ve gone into things. It’s fun. I don’t use dictionaries, use synonyms.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: often, because you’re, that’s like a different, less prescriptive, more informative or whatever. But definitely over the last few years, I’ve committed myself to sort of being a total wordsmith. But I don’t want to go down just consulting, others. I like to dictate, through usage.

>> Stuart H: Yeah, yeah. And do you enjoy the writing?

>> Phil Kay: Yeah, yeah. It’s a very, it seems it’s quite obviously, you know, 20% unconscious mental health, looking after yourself, because just the idea of relating to what you’ve done and knowing that next week you’re going to be relating to what you’ve done and then getting it all out. It’s like a set list for life. So I think of hundreds of things and they’re all, almost all down in a notebook and then almost all getting into one of the recent books. Almost everything that I think of this quirky and fun for me. So I’m sharing that. I got 20 notebooks off the fish shop. This guy ordered a thousand of these by mistake, by clicking thing too many times. So I went in, I went, oh, I like your notebook. Because I used to always use waitresses notebooks, right. Because they’re just so fun and great. And of course you buy them with a pencil and you can get little blue ones, whatever. But then I got, and I got them 19 of these, so I’m going through them, so.

>> Stuart H: And they got the handy thing of having a little number on each page.

>> Phil Kay: So you’d be surprised how often. Now back to 32.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: Because sometimes I leave it when you miss one out and then you got a gap and then you got to cope with that. what else did I roll?

>> Stuart H: You have a battered sausage, please.

>> Phil Kay: Salt and sauce. Salt and sauce with that. I don’t drive fast. That’s another thing that really annoys me is people that assume that I’ll be a fast driver. yeah. You can tell what they’re looking at me. They’re thinking, he’s going to zip around. I love an old fashioned vintage car with an automatic gearbox. And just cruising. You can beat anyone anywhere if you set off earlier. That’s my middle name, Phil set off earlier. K. And then you’re arriving there. You’re not like ruining life because you’re in a hurry. It’s quarter two and you’re going to find it. You’re sort of like, it’s the opposite. You get to really enjoy life more because you’ve set off early and half an hour is nothing, isn’t it? Sorry. You see that word? 1 minute is 20 something, the next is 35 past. You’re like, whoosh. And that. And the hand goes up higher, faster on a clock, doesn’t it?

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: You know, so time is so subjective. It’s. If that’s. I can often get subjective and objective the wrong way around, but it’s totally your own thing. And you can stretch a moment by tweaking your nipples and waiting for a bus. you know, or I often carry a toothbrush in the car, so I never have a problem with traffic jams.

It is all improv without any sentences. So it’s basically sort of dictated book

I go here, I’ll just do some extra brushing. and I, you know, and do voicemails. The last book after the last. Last one.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: Is called audiobook. So it’s basically sort of dictated book.

>> Stuart H: Right.

>> Phil Kay: So just dictated things out and then you type up, or the programme will type up if you do it good enough. But ultimately it’s just mostly spoken word. It is all improv without any sentences. And it’s actually quite good, because if people know this, then you can. Then they accept a bit more of how you speak about, which is, you know, some authors have tried to recreate speech. Maybe trainspotting is a famous example. You know, just writing how things are sounding and heard.

You were presenting at the BAFTAs when you spotted train spotting

>> Stuart H: Because speaking of train spotting, I understand that you were, presenting an award.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I had the Volivonds in the. In the presenters podium. Yeah, yeah. Because it was. The best thing about it was. It was the filmic awards, the scottish BAFTAs and the trainspot people had a massive table in front, but their film was more than a year. They were still milking it, the Bafta guys. So I kept going. I was doing the warm up, which is the worst decision you’ve ever seen, because people are coming in. Billy Connolly was out. Everyone was chatting and just looking at him. And I was like, getting nothing. And it was like that. It was funny. But anyway, that’s, fine. I had a Villavon. I hid it. And then when Ewan McGregor came up for his award, he went. He m. Took a wee nibble and it was all very funny. Ewan McGregor’s here. Irvin Welch is there, and Andrew. And there was someone else. And I had a massive bag of leaf weed. Like, you know, serious large, because it was just leaf that usually uses no tobacco alternative. But we had that for some reason. And then Ewe McGregor started playing with a Darth Vader helmet.

>> Stuart H: Right?

>> Phil Kay: And then there was this thing, this hush hustle, and I went, what’s going on here? And they were all laughing. I think he’d been. They’d been offered. He’d been offered Star wars as early as when, a year and a half after trainspotting had gone out. We could look it up because there was this thing of don’t tell. Shh. They literally couldn’t tell anyone or something. I’d drunk people at a party. My connection to George Lucas is quite thin, but there is. I could have upset things, but by.

>> Stuart H: You know, if we go down the Kevin Bacon seven, six degrees of separation.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah.

>> Stuart H: You know, that means I’m now connected to George Lucas. There we are, you see?

>> Phil Kay: Separate slices of Kevin Bacon. I know exactly that. Six degrees of, War. Exactly. So I’m, there for the grace of God. You’re right. We’re all connected. Summoned to someone. I used to have this woman who’s in the House of Lords, so I had an instant connection to almost anybody in the world. And you get the White House’s phone number. You can get that, though. That’s not a big deal. Phone out the way.

The Git shirty podcast is going live on July 4 at Tunbridge festival

>> Stuart H: We have experienced exciting news. The Git shirty podcast is going live. Yes, you will be able to see the podcast being recorded live for the very first time. And it’s all part of this year’s Tunbridge, Wales fringe Festival. It’s going to be on July 4 at the old auction house just off the Pantheons in Tunbridge Wells. It is a ticketed event. Just pound three per ticket. But numbers are limited, so booking sooner rather than later is available. And you can do that by going to twfringe.com and just search for get shirted. We’ll be announcing our guests soon on one of our social media platforms. Or all of them. Probably not just one of them. And, we obviously can’t wait to see you all there at the Tunbridge Wales fringe festival. So, July 4, the old auction house, Tunbridge, Wales fringe. Don’t forget to book soon, otherwise you will miss out and you’ll have to get all shirted.

What’s better are truly bad gigs where it could go really well

Was that one of your toughest gigs then? Doing the warm up for the. For an award ceremony like that?

>> Phil Kay: You can see how people see you in a good way and think it could work. And maybe just doing jokes wouldn’t work as a warm up for before the bath. So maybe just me moving around being silly was what they wanted. What’s better are just truly bad gigs wherever it could go really well, and you just. It just tips, right? And you. I’ve heard it said twice, or you did that on purpose. They see that a bad gig, because when I do a bad gig, I start to get into why it’s not working, kind of. I try jokes and go, what if you’ve got this thing? We’re going, just get off or something. They’re not getting you, and they probably won’t.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: I mean, it doesn’t happen much, but it, you know, because usually you got just some people getting it, but sometimes all the gig has is a bunch of you don’t like it, and then if you get it, but it’s fantastic because every gig you go to could be the best thing you’ve ever done because about three a year are the best gig I’ve ever done. And one summer did two in a row. It was the best thing I’ve ever done. And then the next one. But you never know. They’re all independent because they really are dependent on the humans that come. And so everyone can be the greatest thing you’ve ever done, which is brilliant m because it’s out there. So until it starts, so you can sort of end nerves and just think of it as curiosity because you’ve never failed until you’re on it. And then once you’re on, you’re no longer worried about going on because you’re on. Adrenaline’s kicked in and you just have this eye. One just has this way, to survive.

>> Stuart H: Ah.

>> Phil Kay: You know, when you were doing.

>> Stuart H: The tv series, because obviously that was all improv as well, because people used to bring things in, improvise about them and did that make it harder to do? How did they work? Was it like a gig? And they just recorded and chopped up.

>> Phil Kay: What we did as close to a possible gig. It was like 45 minutes of filming and they would chop it down 24 minutes. And I had this agreement with my producer, who was already on my side. They were going, no, no, we’ll do lots of stuff and we’ll stop and we’ll start again. No, that’s really. We only did it because we could do it our own way and we had our own production company. It was channel four, and we were left alone. Yeah, because we only had to deliver 24 good minutes. So it was up to us. So, yeah, there was no stopping. And it was. The improv with their objects was cool because each show had a theme which is loose and fun, whether it’s nature or sport. And then. So nothing could go wrong. And then a few things went miraculously well. I remember stuff happening that was just incredible, you know, and. And then it looks. But the best thing, to be honest, is not knowing. I mean, you could sort out, you could plant a few things, and yet you would know and everyone would sell. And then people who are a bit autistic would tell that you’re lying, you know, because. So it’s much better not knowing because.

>> Stuart H: I remember particularly the one with, the haystack, and there was a woman who gave you a bag of straw and as you grabbed some of it and put it in your mouth and were chewing it and she went, oh, there was poo on that. And then you were like, oh, it’s like some shakespearean tragedy. There was poo on the poo that had. Was on the hay. Do you know what I remember?

>> Phil Kay: I don’t remember that stuck so good. Yeah.

>> Stuart H: In my head.

>> Phil Kay: And the haystack was made of hay. Yeah, I had it following me around. That’s right. I could commission wherever I had a budget. They’re going, Phil, we’ve got twelve grand still to spend. I go, okay, get me a, desert island, you know, wherever. I had a desert island on one.

>> Stuart H: That’s right.

>> Phil Kay: And then I got men’s size stiletto come out of this because this guy was like, you know what I said, what size are you? Yeah, yeah. And so, you know, the haystack used to follow me around and stuff. And it’s like, I don’t know what the joke was, but it was funny enough.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: This haystack following, I loved it. Yeah, it was having a budget. Yeah, it was like watered down at that point. Some of its best was like watered down. Vic and Bob as a single guy. So it’s like being silly and dark. But then the other half is this really earnest improv comedy. So it was quite a nice blend when it worked. And then we filmed some adverts and we filmed sketches after the gig from things that had come up and little puppets.

>> Stuart H: You did one?

>> Phil Kay: Yeah, those puppets, weren’t we?

>> Stuart H: Yeah, I just, I remember it cutting to you talking to the puppets.

>> Phil Kay: I don’t know why that sounds terrible, but I had think about mistaking vodka for eyewash and then watering the plants with your tears. And so we filmed that, just this guy going, ah, in his garden. And you know what, there’s one with.

>> Stuart H: You dressed in a little, little sailor suit that was in the technical.

>> Phil Kay: Okay.

>> Stuart H: and you spoke like Mister Magoo.

>> Phil Kay: Oh, right. And I don’t remember that, but I remember doing a bad kung fu fight back then.

Nick: Sometimes my mind just won’t do it. So, what’s really bothering me about comedy

The graphics are quite poor. You could sort of do this sort.

>> Stuart H: Of like a, mortal kombat thing.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah. I built a thing of, you know, one of these territories where you go around the corridors of simple brick and, you know, to try and emulate it. It’s so dated now, no one would know what it’s all about. But it was fun. It was fun of a budget. And it’s literally like, I need them, you know, tree that moves or whatever. And having said it was so great because they could embellish jokes, but it’s basically came down to because I watched one the other day, actually, and it might be a bit of technical. And they all threw every. Had a hundred people had a sheet of paper and I told them what to make. An aeroplane.

>> Stuart H: That’s right.

>> Phil Kay: I mean, they were coming around and I sort of caught one at the very end. There’s suggestions on it for things.

>> Stuart H: That’s right.

>> Phil Kay: That was like, you know.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: Like a tombola. To prove that it’s random. Yeah, yeah. It’s brilliant, that moment. So you set things up and then things happen. So you have to be talking about something. So what I suppose what really gets me annoyed or upset is when I sort of don’t just hit it, because it will always go, well if you’re genuinely doing. Yeah, you need to be talking about something. It’s just when I. Sometimes my mind just won’t do it. And the other class, it was last week, as something went on, I meant. Right. So, what’s really bothering me about. I mean, I battle with my bathroom at the moment. First of all, they can’t get. The hoover never wants to go back in its little cupboard. It’s always trying to come out and people are like, and I got a ground, a skid mark into my eye other day from a towel. There’s all these towels. And I was trying to go on about all the towel, which towel? The towel lottery and which towel? That’s the wet one. And then it was like, was it my own? And I was thinking, maybe it’s my own skid mark. Hooray. I ground into my eye. And, But people just heard it as sort of weak routine because it. That’s how I was doing. Well, it’s just true stuff, but it’s also trying to do it like a comedian’s doing it. So I was just so bad, my mouth goes dry and I was like, I see my friends all going. Then I said, oh, hang on, I’ll sing a song about something. What? Did I have a great breakfast this morning? And my girlfriend shouted out, yeah, banana bread. And then I got totally thrown. And people. Some people knew it was hard. I thought, they’ll think it’s a plant. She was pissed on Prosecco. I thought she was helping. And I was like, so then I did this half hour song, which. But the best thing about comedy is you can go home and then go, ah. The song was about whether banana bread is a cake or a bread, which is it? That would have been so funny. You know, Jaffa cake. Do you go soft after time or hard?

>> Stuart H: Can we go back to changing time by tweaking your nipple? I’d like to know how to do that.

>> Phil Kay: That will. That will make a second be, almost uncountable. It will affect how you. Because you’re. How you. Have you ever heard anyone say, they come back from their shops and someone goes, oh, that you took exactly the amount of time I thought you’re going to take? No, they only ever go, oh, you’re quick, or you took ages. As if they’ve got this perceptive, perfect idea of time. In other words, no. Time is an experience, and it’s just a word. And we’re going through decay to measure time, or quartz times. A very unusual thing to measure, which is why even measuring the speed of light is all part of the, approximations we accept. So science is based on accuracy. It can never actually be true because a line has to occupy no space, but it has to donate position. So then what is a line in math? It’s all theoretical and mad, but we need it. Do we, do we need that bridge? I mean, come on, there’s plenty of, you know, we need that bridge. so fair enough. We need what we’ve made and we needed to get to the moon. But even on the way here, my darling was going, you know, I think Nick in the rich guy’s watch isn’t really a crime, is it? You know, he’s just weird when he’s bowed to another one. I was still a crime. But I know what you mean, you know, there’s ways of looking at anything with nuance. So if you’re meditating or having sex or jogging, you just don’t think about time. And I used to end the gig. I used to end this gig when I was quite successful early on.

You nearly won an award for best stand up comedy at the BBC

I did. Had enormous amount of success immediately in my first, like, year. And then I thought nearly won an award and what. And I used to do the show where I would finish it by doing Whitney Houston’s I will always love. It was in the charts at the time. And sing it and then get higher and higher and higher and just keep going on, you know, I will always. And just keep going on until people and I would dinner at the end, I would tweak my nipples, just get this last high note, you know, and then you would make your. Do this thing with your t shirt like this. Always come on four gigs, always with two enormous erect nipples, you know. And then, you know, they’ve always. One of my favourite erotic stones. and so sensuality will affect your perception of time is, I suppose what you’ve noticed in the same way that, Well, anyway.

>> Stuart H: There was something.

>> Phil Kay: It was building, I was going to say.

>> Stuart H: Did that answer your question though, stu? Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah.

>> Stuart H: So they award. Because the award was. I thought you did get an award for best stand up comedy award.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah, I won a big tv award. because what it was is cleverly my tv producer, Channel four, if they give you an award, then next year they can give you a tv series because you’ve won this award. similar to authentication of anything, you know, that was kind of inner, inner. So I won this award at the BBC, the british television awards. It was a big deal. Jonathan Ross presenting big deal. And Spike Milligan. That was the year he said the joke about Prince Charles, right? He went a snively bastard. The best thing that happened ever, though was I ended up befriending this guy who’s a harmonica player in Brighton who had a henna studio on the pier and would spend eight months of the year in India, come back, work like mad, five women doing summer henna. And then, and I met him and he goes, we’re going to a party tonight and it’s Steve Coogan’s wife’s divorce party. She’s finally got a divorce from him. She’s having a massive party. So we go and this great party opens, runs this perfect, amazing, huge house into this private park, this crescent and bright and beautiful thing. And I don’t really know anyone, but we’re all getting on and eventually it’s four in the morning and most people have left. And Steve comes in a tweed hat, arrives at the party. You know, he maybe sent permission, I don’t know. He’s coming, his wife, but he wasn’t rejected, but he was there. I remember looking around, I remember him seeing meanings going, the fuck are you doing? But the award, was too big and meant nothing. But it meant that you got, you got the series because they could, channel four could give it on the back of that. I think it was an STV production Benny movie. It was amazing fun. And then the next year, I went about three years later when I had done a tv show for the best newcomer award, which I didn’t win. When Harry Hill won, I was a nominee. I, stood up and shouted, no, like that. Which I think was great. Hardly anyone’s done that. Yeah, and they’ve Oscar’s, they’ve all got a camera and they’ve got to go. Very happy for Kate bloody Blanche again or something. You know, it’s a moment no actor could do well, but every actor will do better than anyone. Yeah, but anyway.

You went to edinburgh and did a competition and won that

>> Stuart H: All right, and weren’t you nominated for the Pereira as well?

>> Phil Kay: I was nominated for the hardcore real Perry. And that was back in the day. Back in the day. That was my 1st 1 hour show. I mean, I went to edinburgh and did a competition and won that. next year I did a half of a show with Ardlo Hanlon in the venue. The next year I was given my own hour because then the woman that ran the venue became my agent for 15 years. A woman. So she saw me, discovered me like a pharaoh, a, simon Cowell thing. The competition is called so you think you’re funny. And it was one of the first comedy competitions with 16 entrants. Now they have, like, hundreds of entrants to even get on the audition, for the show, you know. So I won it. And then, I did one gig as a heat. My second gig was the final, which I won. My third gig was live from the gilded balloon with a comment and with john hegley, Joe brand, famous, comedians Arthur Smith and Phil K, who’s once. My third gig was t six minutes on tv. Like, it’s the most high escalation of. Yeah.

>> Stuart H: And that was actually your third gig?

>> Phil Kay: Yeah. No, I don’t ever die open mics. I’ve never. There didn’t exist for me then. They maybe existed in London.

>> Stuart H: Right.

>> Phil Kay: at that time. But alternative comedy was in 1989, all right, because I met a guy said, you’ve done comedy in five decades? Eighties, nineties, zeros. Tens. Yeah, twenties. It’s not bad.

>> Stuart H: Pretty good.

I’m thinking of just not doing the old Edinburgh festival this year

How many fringes have you done? Edinburgh fringe?

>> Phil Kay: I’ve done 31 or something. in fact, it might be more because I haven’t missed any. I did even the COVID years. I did a few nights and, this year I’m planning, because unfortunately, my father’s passed away and I always stay with him. So I’m actually thinking of just not doing the old Edinburgh festival. But then I caved and I phoned his folk bar and I said, can I just have your function room? And I’m going to do a totally off grid, not in the fringe, just ten quid cash advertised with the board outside this folk bar called the Royal Oak. And just do a history of everything and do. Just do a freeform show for. In this function for fun, because I like to be there, but I don’t want either. way sold my dad’s flat by then. The last 20 years, I’ve stayed for free in Edinburgh with no course and had even the best deals you’ve ever heard. Because I kind of knew people got anything, so I would make money at Edinburgh Finch, which now famous for being too expensive.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: people will still go. There always be people who will have enough money to get there because it does work. Edinburgh Fringe has been again. I grew up in Edinburgh, so it’s like my hometown anyway. And I always felt so into it. Loved it.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: And some of the runs were long, and then I got to just doing half. And then I left the big venues about 15 years ago and just started doing this double decker bus and these cool rooms and totally off grade a bit more. And back to my roots because I still had enough people could just find you online.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: So you don’t need to do massive poster campaigns by making money for agencies and companies rental, companies who own stakes and the poster companies. It’s nuts, but there we are.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: so I always made it work brilliantly and loved it and made some really good friends. And now I can go to Edinburgh and just relax. I don’t know. But I’ll do a show this year, probably. They haven’t got back to me, actually. It’s funny. The Royal oak, if you’re listening, seemed unlikely.

>> Stuart H: It’s been a highlight to do. I mean, to do 30, 31.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah. I mean, honestly, the majority of them, it’s like, well, that’s money because I’m going to go and do 20 nights.

>> Stuart H: Whoo.

>> Phil Kay: It’s like, I could do. And I’ve done seven Melbourne comedy festivals and made money in a month. That’s great fun. And yet it can be a little bit groundhog day in Edinburgh. So I used to have to kind of change it up and challenge myself and do things. But ultimately it was brilliant. And I was always going home, kind of, and I see my mum and dad, so it’s like fun.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: And it’s your own town. And then I had a following because I was born there. So I had a kind of. I noticed it really dwindled about three years ago where there’s just so many more comedians and ever. And I know is. And I’m just not a name in any way. I’m just more of a. Those that know me, know me. So I could tell when I was getting 300 people over five nights, that was it, only about 70 or 80 a night in a hundred. That’s fine, though. It’s still not bad, I can say. Ah. Because I always just used to fill every venue. I did it because it would choose nice. 85 seaters and do it for ten nights and fill it rather than do giant rooms. Yeah, yeah, but that’s fair. It was a natural ebb. It’s like your inner structure.

>> Stuart H: Yeah. And it’s good. Like, you know, it’s a long career, isn’t it? You know, you’ve. That’s, It’s a long time to be consistently funny.

>> Phil Kay: Good point.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: you know, and then. So it could have gone night tits up here and there. But then for about 15 years, I was just in the middle of Scotland, living by the beach, doing art centres on my own. I didn’t do comedy gigs. You know, you can make 300 quid a night doing slots in comedy gigs, but it was never my thing and I lived nowhere in the middle of nowhere, so. Right. it worked incredibly well. I arrived at a couple of gigs by boats, you know, and I would be in sky in a town where you get 80% of the available adults in a town, in a function room, in a bar, and you get all the tenors and hundreds of quid. and you’d have an amazing night and it’s in the town. And I. And the Orkneys and Shetlands and all over Scotland were mine, mostly on my own, doing things outside of comedy clubs. I never hit it off with stand people who had few comedy clubs around. So I just always did things in little theatres or backrooms or studios or art centres, which is brilliant for me because then you do a 30 minutes, 25 minutes first half and then take a break, really start to get pissed and just wild last hour and you could do quite a good show back. Sometimes I used to do a small art centre and change the audience. So I would do 50 minutes and have an interval, then just change the crowd. But that’s two shows, isn’t it?

Double your money. It’s a possibility, yeah

Double your money. And they were terrific. In what East Cobra saying, felway sold out. I said, let’s do another one for the same night. But I would just then I learned I could do that. I would compress them. It was fantastic. Ah, so the people in the second one got you. Really, really got you when you’re totally warmed up?

>> Phil Kay: It’s a possibility, yeah.

Michael Redmond says improv comedy is like working a muscle

>> Stuart H: And do you find, you know, is doing comedy in the way that you do? Is it like having, like working a muscle? Is it like the more you do it, the more you’re on it, the more you sort of. You get in the groove with it?

>> Phil Kay: But nothing. Nothing guarantees anything. So once I learned that even feeling rubbish doesn’t mean you’ll do bad and feeling great and on. It doesn’t mean it’ll go. Once you disassociate those two, then it can still leave a way to. It’s gonna work. Yeah, it can work. but a muscle. Yeah. I suppose there’s aspects of that where I’m just natural on stage. All that’s a bit like phoney natural stage because you’re still just covering up the fact this is nuts. Yeah. And I watched lots of acts and I know the way they’re prepared and much more love it and want. I gave up wanting sort of adoration very early on. I mean, I do the gigs for some other reason, but it looks like it. You want.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: You’re showing off. That wouldn’t work for me. So it’s about sharing really kinky ideas. Kinky of thought about six people are going to go, bloody hell. And, and you’re gonna laugh. Ah. And you’re gonna make stuff happen with energy. I mean, you can just make a lot happen in the first four or five minutes. That just then means you don’t really need a script or anything. You just, yeah. You found this thing you’re going to do now next. Yeah, yeah. And the energy is you only need one great idea and it’s the one you’re in because it will bring another one.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: So, you know, so there’s muscle memory in it, but you can’t guarantee where you get better at stitching, get better, do things. You’re kind of in that zone.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: But you can’t guarantee anything with the.

>> Stuart H: Comedy because the way there wasn’t really anybody else doing it the way, or that’s my memory of it. There wasn’t really anybody doing it the way you did it when you started. I don’t remember other fully improv comedians sort of going out there and doing it.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah, they did. No, no. And they were around because someone like Mark Lamar used to host and he was just totally off the cuff with everything because hosting and being a compare, you can kind of get away with it because you’re often so where you’re from or you’re just, you’re not doing a shpick. So he was amazing. And Eddie is, our first year I saw him, he did the counting house, this wing of the gilded balloon where I was. I saw his very first ever off the street. Came and did a show and did the, so he had these ideas of. And then he would improvise around the silliness. I was raised by wolves, but somebody in a car was wolves. Yeah. And he would just improve the vibe and see how long they’re last and make up extra bits and silly. And, he was the first one to kind of like, just sort of pause and no one’s going, wait a minute, he’s pausing. You know, he was pausing, going, light fitting, you know, he was the first one that people accepted were in the moment together. But I always thought, you’re right. And there was sort of me doing it, Eddie. And then it was Ross Noble. I always thought that my closest link was to Billy Connolly, who’s, telling stories that were literally from this list of 150 of them somehow in his mind. So I always felt very close to him, even though I was bitty as well. Did lots of funny one liners that he’d never do. Yeah, I did hundreds, I have hundreds of brilliant one liners. I used to love. If I have four or five of them in my mind, don’t worry, because I know that you just chat, you muck about it, then you just do this killer one liner, they go, ha ha. Then they’re waiting for the next one and they’re all happy because, relax. But, yeah, I definitely, yeah. You know, maybe 20 years ago when I was doing it, a lot of people were like, oh, wow, man, I wish I could do what you do. And I went on, two of the few people then said, I’m changing now what I do, I’m going to be more like you. One of them was Michael Redmond, you know, the irish comedian. Right. just two one liners. You know, people often say to me, what the hell are you doing in my garden? You know? And then he just, he starts to get more like, honestly, we went on tour and he’s like, by the end he was like, and then doing his brilliant jokes, but he’s a naturally funny guy. yeah, I know it sounds silly, but I don’t feel naturally funny. I feel naturally very creative and, and great on stage, but I’m actually not as naturally funny as my funniest uncle and Michael Redmond and lots of people I know, I’m just wordying on it, which kind of works on stage.

>> Stuart H: Yeah. And lots of energy.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah. I mean, I do laugh a lot, what I’m saying on stage, but not a lot. You can’t get away with it. But mostly just doing stuff that is getting laughter. I think of myself as someone who unlocks laughter, allows laughter to occur in a room because there’s so many different ways people always want about different styles of comedy. And yet there’s so many different styles of laughter, how laughter can occur.

>> Stuart H: I find it fascinating, actually. Many years ago, as stuall will attest, I said, I’d like to have a go at that, but the thought of actually standing up and doing it is a very different thing. I sing in bands, and I don’t mind the singing. When I first started, what I worried about was what I was going to say in between the songs.

>> Phil Kay: I know.

>> Stuart H: Not the actual singing. At the same time, I know. It’s weird, isn’t it?

>> Phil Kay: It’s not that weird to me, but I know that’s the thing. And for some people, singing is the one thing they’ll never do because it’s your true sound. You know, even more than hello, my presentation, which is the second fearedest thing in the world after tigers, is, talking in public, because you’re going to be heard and there’s nowhere to hide. So.

Comedy is the only thing that can kill laughter dead, says comedian

>> Stuart H: Yeah, yeah. Well, the scene. Somebody else.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah.

>> Stuart H: The talking in between was me. Fair enough, yeah. Ah.

>> Phil Kay: Talk in between as someone else as well. Yeah.

>> Stuart H: Yeah. I didn’t think of that.

>> Phil Kay: Well, yeah, I’m only a slight someone else. You can’t meet your next song. You’re not gonna believe my next song. Wait, is that true voice? There’s so many different ways to look at it because I sing, too, and I’m wee bit aware of how good I am, so I’m not, like, sharing an amazing voice. I’m just a guy who sings, which I like. Everyone can sing. So if you could take a comedy workshop and make, you know, sort of lateralize and think about another way, rather than how do I be funny on stage? You think of weight when you are funny. You’re just telling a story to your mates. If you can switch your mind, because literally go up and going, here’s a story of disaster that happened on holiday. Who’s not gonna listen to that? And then you, could be honest and true. But then sometimes comedy people want the rug, to be pulled. They want the joke, they want the pun, they want something else.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: It’s quite hard. And sometimes I’ve shifted to do what they want, and then I draw back and want to do what I want. They’re like, what’s he doing now? He’s changed. He’s got all real or something when, you know. But storytelling nights, I used to host these nights that encouraged audience members to tell stories, and everyone is all very low key and no one’s getting echoed. And a few of them went incredibly well. Because, of course, yeah, everyone’s got funny stories and you can give them a title or select a theme. Mostly, though, it’s, you know, people have just got something and it’s. If they’re comfortable enough, they’ll do it.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: It’s arranging, the room where being dishevelled and. And making stuff up and just hope it goes well. And singing a mad song is fine. That can go well.

>> Stuart H: Yeah. It can look all awful, but that’s allowing people to. You can’t fail then, can you? If everything’s all right, then that takes the fear out of it. It sort of sounds like you don’t go out to try and be funny. You sort of try. You go out, as you say, to try and get some laughter.

>> Phil Kay: If I do this, because honestly, I sat in a theatre, empty theatre, before I go on once in Ireland, you know, a big place, and I’m sitting here going, what the fuck would you want to hear from someone? How am I going to do it? And I thought, I just can’t think of it that way. I just think of, what do I want to say. So you think you’re sharing and you’re creative and this medium is humour related, so they’ll probably find the jokes. But, you know, you can go to a funny play and it’s not very funny for ages, then the laugh is really lovely. Or people give speeches in certain situations, but they’re not going for laughs at all. But it’s really warm and lovely laughs because that’s just the appropriate response. Comedy is the only thing that can kill laughter dead. I’m not going to make you laugh. Here’s a, obvious, I think I’ve said a thousand times, and people love that as well. They want one liners from Milton Jones or Jimmy Carter. They know he’s just bought or brushed up, but there they are, you with your friends or you go and you’re going to get. You know what you’re going to get. Comedy, for me, has often always been doing the unexpected.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: And if you’re doing the unexpected, that’s not getting laughter is the unexpected thing.

>> Stuart H: Yeah. Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: And then you see where you are after lots of bills, where I go after someone and then, you know, what you feel, what the crowd might like, you know, after seeing that, because people are all. Even when I first started, people say, oh, I don’t want to follow. How do I follow that? You don’t want to go on after him. I go, why not? The crowd have laughed a lot. They’re all happy rather than they’re going to judge me by him, which is what’s the wrong way to think about it.

>> Stuart H: Ah.

>> Phil Kay: So there was times when I’m, you know, a bit of a stoner. I’m sort of like mister cool, you know, and I could just walk on and do it. People must go, that’s amazing. And it’s only every now and then, but if you do enough of them, rumour spreads that you’re this free form genius. I’ve had it come back to me. I hear you do this and like they’re inventing it in their mind, what they imagine, you just, they’re just going to go on. Which they can do. Yeah, just go on and be. But you’ve got to have some things and structures and ways of being there hooks that are going to work in some way.

>> Stuart H: Yeah, yeah. Ah.

>> Phil Kay: Which is why I love a recent thing that’s just happened to me. He’d come on with this before I start, you’ll never guess. So they know it’s real. And if somehow this kid had four cans of ginger ale on the train and they’re like going, ha ha, he’s just seen that. Wow, where’s the joke? No, there’s no joke. Who’s got four weekends?

James Joyce loves physical comedy. I love physical stuff. Like that other night with the towels. What was the other thing? Our soap

You know, like, you know, you can share and they get pheronomes or they get the truth as a crowd, a quite psychic group, so they will. And then sometimes they’ll go, oh, no, he’s just telling the truth. This is not going to be funny. It can go either way. Like that other night with the towels.

>> Stuart H: Yeah, yeah.

>> Phil Kay: You know, like the towels. What was the other thing? Our soap. Just, you put the soap back in the sink and it just starts to move. There’s no way for it to be. My biggest worry in life is, is the soap gonna follow me out the room and they’re going, that’s hilarious. And it sits there. Things with gravity just start to turn. you could embody it and do lots of physical stuff. I love physical stuff. Everyone’s obviously do more funny stuff.

>> Stuart H: Yeah. Ah, I, watched some of your early, like in preparation, I sort of went back and watched. Used to do a bit with an ironing board or on this particular thing.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah, surfing.

>> Stuart H: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the water’s only just up to the iron board.

>> Phil Kay: You put the ironing board up the same height as the sea and then you look like you’re brilliant and then you get up on it on the stage. I had one for a whole fringe run, but then I used to do it whenever I found them in hotels.

>> Stuart H: Right.

>> Phil Kay: and sneaking ironing boards out of hotels. So funny. And the irons. Then I. Then I started just doing things where I’d have an iron on the stage and I pretend it was a travel bong and I’d just be doing things with ironing and sometimes you can plug them in before you go onto the still hall. But ironing board was good. That was my sort of first having my first show. When I was consolidating, it started to get better and Johnny Vegas was on hour before me when he got to this pottery show in became, discovered.

>> Phil Kay: And so I did it. Yeah, that was fun. But I never took one to gigs. Just. You’d find them around.

>> Stuart H: Yeah. Ah.

>> Phil Kay: Because backstage every gig is unusual. I always go on with some thing from the backstage room, obviously not really just a green room, changing room for the kitchen or something. Every time I remember going on with 19 plates at this hotel gig, because they were. The back of the stage was a cupboard just full of plates. So I go on, I’m chucking them out. Ah, people were chucking them back and they were. I probably broke one, but you’re best not to if you can get away with it. But, yeah, so then they just know this is real. You see it coming out of their face. Oh my God, it’s just real. No one carries plates to gigs, so they’re in it for the play.

>> Stuart H: Yeah. And that plays. I suppose that’s. That’s it though, isn’t it? He’s grown up playing, you know, and we forget. We forget how to do that.

>> Phil Kay: And you can always go, nah. And yet it’s really needed and wanted and it’s valid and is viable and is because it’s so good. Especially when you have children, you just can’t be grumpy. You have to find ways to be into what’s happening and children save my life. I mean, doing gigs, it’s what’s great. I’ve done like four ages of man. I’ve definitely done three or four styles of comedy that as I grow up, I start when I’m 19, right? And, you know, double denim, you know, win an award, third gig on telling you what. And then. But ten years later I’m doing tv and big things and then ten years later I’m in Scotland doing whatever I want, man. Filling Inverness theatre with 370 people. Yeah. You know, and then I just coast. And then it. I sort of changed the persons I’ve really got into writing the rewards for me, on my soul of writing, the last ten years, were like, what? You go into comedy for that kind of adoration, but it isn’t adoration, it’s just feeling that you’re doing well. But comedy only exists with a crowd feeling like you’re really nailing it with writing. And I haven’t sold many books, but I just love doing them. maybe have a book deal coming soon, whatever is the way to think about it. Because I do other books rather than just memoir. I’ve got this book called the Comedian’s Guide to Ulysses, James Joyce’s Ulysses. See you, Jimmy. And it’s basically just the thousand best jokes because a lot of people don’t read Ulysses because think it’s all highbrow, right? But, most of it is wordplay and links that are in the same as jokes and actual jokes. And he’s got five or six, seven different, totally different voices of narrative or writer style. So it’s terrific books, I’ve written it, and a couple of publishers were really interested. Then it just fades away. my tagline became, you know how thousands of books don’t make it each year? Ah, can I just be one of them, please? It doesn’t do very well, but my dream is I’d then shift up and do them, literary festivals. So I’d then be a writer. Who’s the Phil Cave talk writer show, but the funniest writing show. Question and answer and telling stories from your books, wherever. And I was in place to happen. I did a few from earlier books, but this age, this publishers I really want to happen with would give me so much support. I’d be a hey on why, before you know it, during a midnight show, it’d be brilliant.

Is there a comedy thing that you would still like to do

>> Stuart H: Is there, like, a thing, you know, let’s not worry about the get shirt thing at all. What I’m interested. Is there a comedy thing that you would still like to do? It’s like, that’s.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah, there is, actually. I met a guy the other day and he’s like, works in my local veg shop, and he goes, do you know Mick Perrin? I was like, I’m Mick. He used to promote Eddie as a, Ross Noble, big fuse promoter. And at one point, we were talking about me doing this thing, the storyteller. So it’s a late night show in a theatre in London, and it’s just basically not stand up. It’s just all my best stories. So I muck about and I do things, but I tell the horse story better and I tell diving off stage and I tell about five minutes. So it’s a really long good show. But I would love to do that because it’s. It could still work because it’s cheap and you could do it later after theatres show in a, 250 seater. So that’s one thing I’d really like to do. You’re very good because you don’t get flustered and you’ve always got a question waiting without it being like an egg. You ever cut open a chicken and there’s like five eggs coming? Production line. There’s not just one egg. They make the next few days. Eggs are in all,

>> Stuart H: Right.

>> Phil Kay: What?

>> Stuart H: Progressively small? Getting progressively small.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah. Yeah. Because they’re sort of starting. There’s a production lane, so. But you know.

>> Stuart H: No, but I do know.

>> Phil Kay: Well, if you have to, you won’t be so shocked.

>> Stuart H: I feel that later. I feel like that’s now like a life’s. I don’t feel like my life will be fully complete unless I see that one day.

>> Phil Kay: Well, there’s a lot of buckets I want to get before I die.

>> Stuart H: Yeah, well, actually, that’s something we talk about a lot here, isn’t it? But you’d have to cut the chicken. list.

>> Phil Kay: Well, yeah.

>> Stuart H: To see it. Yeah. If you cut that way, you cut through them. You have to cut longitudinally through the chicken in order to see the eggs going along.

>> Phil Kay: Generally speaking, you wouldn’t be eating a hen. But people don’t think about it. Hen is producing eggs.

>> Stuart H: No, there isn’t.

>> Phil Kay: One gets made and comes out perfectly as an egg. It has to sort of has a gestation of becoming.

>> Stuart H: I hadn’t really thought about that. I won’t look at hens in the same way. I think I’d always thought that they popped one out. Well, not that I. I obviously knew that they were there, but I’d never really visualised it.

>> Phil Kay: And think about that.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: For hundreds of millions of other things in life.

>> Stuart H: Oh, I’ve already got one or something. Yeah. Yeah. Is it poo? It is poo. It is poo. I don’t like the Thor. I like to tell myself that my poos just arrive when they have to come out.

>> Phil Kay: They’re only arrived.

>> Stuart H: I don’t like the thought of lurking around with them in me, building up. Oh, I need to go. And it’s. Oh, there it is. I don’t like the thing that I’ve been making it as I’ve been walking around.

>> Phil Kay: Fair enough. You know, there’s a longer dog between gullet and rectum. That we don’t have to know that.

Stuart Hartman thanks Phil Kay for chatting on the git shirty podcast

It just happens.

>> Stuart H: Perhaps that’s what happened with the towel.

>> Phil Kay: We thought about that skid mark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just m. It was my skid mark, probably. and I had a terrible arse for about a year and just itchy and ridiculous and. But I had classic ringworm. The doctor said, do you mind if I photograph. This is textbook ringworm.

>> Stuart H: All right, yeah. Don’t rub that in your eye.

>> Phil Kay: I don’t know if you. Bad ringworm, because ringworm is a fungus. It’s not really a worm, it’s a fungus around your area.

>> Stuart H: Next time I see you, you look like a sort of red eyed panda. I’ll know. Textbook.

>> Phil Kay: Textbook Ringworld.

>> Stuart H: I’m not sure if there’s a better way to end this.

>> Phil Kay: I don’t just come squeezed out like a turd. I’ve got a lot of production too. There’s more.

>> Stuart H: There’s more coming. I like it.

>> Phil Kay: Thanks for having me.

>> Stuart H: It’s been a pleasure. I’ve been a fan for a long time, and as. As I said when I sent you a message, well, in fact, it was through a mutual acquaintance that, ah, I saw that, it was a radio thing you were doing. I saw that and I was like, hang on, that’s Phil Kay. And I’d mentioned it and he said.

>> Phil Kay: Oh, yeah, yeah, Phil gay. Yeah. I should do something in a small jazz club in Tunbridge, Wales. We should do something where I can tell stories and have a nice room.

>> Stuart H: Yeah.

>> Phil Kay: Afterwards we’ll find out. We’ll think of a room or something. That’d be fun.

>> Stuart H: We’ve got the Tunbridge Wells fringe coming up.

>> Phil Kay: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could never join fringes. Always. Six months ago, when they’re. But there might be some event. But what I’d like is a nice wee low key room with a carpet on and we.

>> Stuart H: How many people do you want?

>> Phil Kay: 55. Who cares?

>> Stuart H: I can’t do 55.

>> Phil Kay: Oh, I see.

>> Stuart H: We do little gigs in here during the fringe.

>> Phil Kay: Oh, that would work. Come on.

>> Stuart H: 15 people. It’s 15, though.

>> Phil Kay: That’s 15.

>> Stuart H: Yeah. It’s not many. We might be able to cram a few more people.

>> Phil Kay: That’d be fun. It’d be fun. We’ll talk about something.

>> Stuart H: Yeah, why not? So that was very natty. If only we’d been filming that. That was impressive.

>> Phil Kay: It’s not been filmed.

>> Stuart H: No. but, yes, I’ve been. I’ve been a fan for a long time. A long time. And it was very formative years for me actually, when I used to watch a programme and I’ve videoed them and watched them on repeat brilliant. On repeat brilliant. So it’s been slightly surreal actually. Having you in the room? Phil, thank you very much for being part of the Get Shirty podcast. There’s our official sign off thumbs up, the best of all audio sign offs.

Absolutely amazing to get such insight into improvised stand up comedy. And now we also all know what to do if we’re charged by horses. Although I’m not sure if I could make the required noise, I won’t even try a massive thank you to Phil for coming in and chatting. This episode was edited and produced by Stuart Stuart, Stuart Wilson as always, hosted by me, Stuart Hartman and overseen and kept on track by Sam. Thanks as always. Also to DatHazza for the podcast music. Until next time, do try not to get too shirty.